I’m going to make my first post in light of recent occurrences… not as much analyzing, but offering advice to a certain NFL player.
Can you all believe it? Mike Vick got into legal trouble… guess there’s a first for everything. Hell, next he’ll probably set up an underground dogfighting ring and brutally murder the dogs because they don’t win, probably by hanging or drowning or some other gruesome, torturous death… nah probably not, he wouldn’t be able to do that and live with himself… would he?
Mike probably went to hang out with Ricky Williams, who’s probably been toking it up in Canada all year, discussing his plans to return to the Dolphins. Why would you ever want to return to the NFL when you can play in the prestigious CFL for the Argonauts? Ricky Williams, give it up chief, you aren’t even good anymore. It’d be one thing if you were an addict and still good (Michael Irvin and the rest of the entire Dallas Cowboys team in the 90s minus Emmitt Smith…. how else do you think that they put up with that annoying turd called Moose), as you know that we don’t care what people do off the field, as long as they produce on field. But Ricky, you are a fat useless piece of garbage (I could have been more harsh), so stay out of the NFL. Even Jay Feely doesn’t want you on his team, and when a kicker is even allowed to talk to the media besides when he pulls a Scott Norwood, you should listen.
But anyway, we aren’t here to discuss Ricky Williams, so let’s get back to you Mike. I got some advice for you, and I hope you take it to heart. I’m out here to help you, even though you were committed to Syracuse and then backed out of that commitment. Oh well, at least we don’t have CONVICTED felons that played at our school…
All right, here’s what you can do to get back in the NFL. Now that you were indicted AGAIN, you might be spending a couple years behind bars. Worried that you might get fat and out of shape? Don’t worry… you’ll be running away from big angry dog loving men (would you know that this type of person makes up the majority of prisons around the USA) that don’t even care that you herped up that woman and called yourself Ron Mexico. These guys probably already have that, along with gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS… you name it, they probably have it. You might want to think of some new names though when you have to get your meds, as everyone knows Ron Mexico now… how about Pedro Antarctica or Johnny Zimbabwe? Just a few suggestions. But don’t worry, you’ll stay in shape and mostly STD-free, as long as you can pull off feats like you did in Minnesota as the prisoners are chasing you around the yard… good thing that this doesn’t depend on completing short passes, right?
This is the only thing you can do Mike… run… so take advantage of your athletic ability because obviously, it didn’t pay off in the NFL. Well I guess it somehow did for you… Arthur Blank paid for it, but man, he could have just gotten a cheap running back to put in your place, and it still might have been an upgrade in accuracy. But Mike, just don’t drop the soap because all that running will be in vain… I would say that you don’t wanna get sacked in prison, and you don’t have your line to throw under the bus for that one, either.
When you get out of prison, you’ll be a changed man. I’m sure you’ll find Jesus like everyone else does when they get out of the big house (don’t know why it takes you all so long to find him in the first place) but if you’re anything like Ricky, you’re craving for “tree” – as Jim Rome likes to call it – won’t be gone. So don’t get busted buying from dealers Mike, you’re already in hot water. But when you take it out of your fake Aquafina bottle (you know, the one with the hidden compartment that you took into an airport) and do your thing, you need to understand that you’ll probably fail a drug test. Here’s my advice:
First of all, Call Onterrio Smith.
Onterrio was the RB for the Vikes and knows first hand what it’s like to be an NFL player and caught with drugs… he’s still suspended! But Onterrio didn’t use his own urine for drug tests… nope, he used the “Whizzinator.” What is the Whizzinator, you might ask? Well, you can check it out here, but I have provided a picture and I think you could probably figure it out from there.
So there you go Mike, you can use a your fake manhood to pass a drug test! You are on the road to recovery. Now all you have to do is make a team. That shouldn’t be all that hard right? Oh wait, I just realized that you can’t throw and you really couldn’t in the first place… and even though you were chased around by the inmates, you aren’t in shape anymore… at least not football shape. Well Mike, it was a good run while it lasted… as that’s all you can do. Guess we’ll be seeing you in jail again; you couldn’t keep out while making your $100+ million dollar contract and having to play football everyday, so I would imagine you couldn’t stay out when you don’t have anything to do anymore. Well, be careful Mike, and good riddance.
- K Dubs
Posted by thesportingdudes 